Return of the Crude and Rude

Fellow sex fiends, it’s been awhile since I have graced audiences with my crudity. It is with my biggest displeasure to announce that my column in Goucher College's newspaper, "The Quindecim" is banned after my last article on small penises (below) caused quite the stir. My apologies were not enough to prevent more attempted suicides from Goucher's male population, so the newspaper staff had to let me go. I do, however, get this awesome online column instead. Great, my audience will consist of me, myself and I, and my occasional stalkers.
Although I should have kept my opinion of the petty things in life within the knitting circle, Goucher's reaction to the column in general didn’t create the hard-on effect I had anticipated. That leads me to believe that a) we're just a bunch of prudes or b) I really pissed some people off.
I recently found out that that both of my assumptions are correct after receiving an angry letter from some parent, who was more than “shocked” to read such “pornography.” The person continued saying “I do realize that students engage in sexual activity; however, it need not be encouraged! In this day and age, when Baltimore city has the second highest rate of HIV/AIDs in the United States…it is appalling to read such an endorsement of promiscuity.” That’s right Mom, I’m sure the needle littered streets of downtown Baltimore scattered with cracked out heroine addicts have nothing to do with that statistic. Strapping on chastity belts will only lead to a nation agonized by blue balls and increased dildo use. Hope for the sex toy industry!
I haven’t even gotten to my favorite part of the letter: “The person who so proudly penned this article should have their name and picture next to it. I’m sure their parents would be very proud!” Actually, my parents are “very proud” although they would have preferred not to find out about my column by reading it on my travel blog, where I mistakenly posted it (that’s a whole other story…).
“Just please take it down before your grandparents see it,” my dad said.
My mom wasn’t so concerned. “You know, speaking of penises,” she said, “I once had a problem with the guy’s being too big!” she said laughing hysterically over the phone. I haven’t quite decided if this is an over-share or if I want to know more about my mother’s sexual past. It’s not like my family sits around the dinner table discussing the Karma Sutra, but sex and dating has never been discouraged.
“Congratulations!” my mom had said hugging me when I told her I lost my virginity a couple years ago. “How was it? Did you use condoms?”
My intent for writing about sex is not to encourage unsafe or careless promiscuity. The writer of the letter wrote that he/she was not interested in reading about “the sexual activities of a confused and misguided individual.” However, all of us who are “sexually active” (whatever that means) are ‘confused’ and ‘misguided’; that’s why we think of sex like seven times an hour or laugh whenever we hear the word “blow” “suck” or “eating out,” even when it’s not in context of a porn movie. If we ever figure out the mysteries and phenomena that go along with sex, than what else will occupy our minds?
Therefore, the purpose of this column is not to piss people off, it’s to provide a forum for all the other ‘confused’ and ‘misguided’ individuals out there who like to read and talk about sex. So I went a little too far last time, so I’ll tone things down a bit from triple-X level to R-rated. For those that still think that sex is about skipping in poppy fields with birds and bees, this column is not for you.